I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
