Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
