I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
