I just threw up on my dentist
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize