Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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