This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
