I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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