I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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