So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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