since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
