So drunk its hurt
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
