Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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