I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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