my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
