The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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