After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
