Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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