I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
