now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
