where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
