so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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