and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize