im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
