Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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