My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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