got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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