I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
