No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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