I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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