I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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