I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
