I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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