Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
