is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
