Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
