You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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