weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
