ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
