Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
false alarm, still single
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