peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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