I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Be still, my beating vagina.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
