im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
