dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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