My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My ATM looks so different sober.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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