I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize