I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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