What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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