clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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