I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize