There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
