Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
