he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I supernannyed him into submission
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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