I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I am in a vortex of obligation.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
