Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
