Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I have aggressive nipples.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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